Keeps Me Going
by Pomtree97
Summary: Cat's home life doesn't at all mirror how she behaves in school. When she confesses to Tori all of her troubles, will something spark that she never would have expected? Story is better than the summary, I promise :) Cori! Rated M to be safe. Some domestic violence early on.
1. Rough Day

**Chapter 1**

_Rough Day_

* * *

**Cat**

I sat in the corner of my room facing the wall - my hands covering my ears as I tried desperately to block out the sounds of shouting coming from outside the door. My eyes were clenched tightly shut and I tried to imagine myself someplace else, like in a field of cotton candy with unicorns having a pillow fight, but that wasn't working. It usually did. The foul curses and insults weren't directed at me but they hurt nonetheless. I didn't like it when my parents fought. It just felt wrong. Even though it sounded selfish it felt even worse when the harsh words were directed towards me. And they were sometimes.

It was only my dad that did it. He would scream at me, swearing and technically spouting smoke from his ears. It didn't make much sense to me. If my mom ever heard it she would awkwardly pretend to be caught up in something else. I knew that it ate away at her - that he said those things to me. He had only laid hands on me a few times before... a slap across the face, a rough grab of my arm. I would pretended like it hadn't happened, mainly wishing that it hadn't. Mom didn't know about those. I pushed myself further into the corner like I always did when they fought, surrounded by my numerous stuffed animals and a large hot pink beanbag chair.

"Lower your voice, Cat's trying to sleep!" I heard my mom shout. It had been closer than the previous fighting. They must have somehow walked nearer to my door. It was true, being a school night and around 11:00 I would normally have been in bed. But every time I tried to sleep when they fought it gave me nightmares. I didn't like nightmares.

"No she's not! How could anyone sleep with you screaming like this?!" I heard him shout. I grabbed the nearest stuffed animal, Mr. Snowcone, and held him close. For some reason I didn't feel any tears but my eyes stung like I might cry at any second. The sound of stomping towards my room made me tense up completely. A blinding light flooded into the room from the hall. My door had been opened. I squealed in terror, unfortunately making my location known but I had been unable to contain the fear. My hands found their way to my mouth but it was too late to stop the sound.

"Look, she's right over there!" He shouted from my doorway. I suddenly felt the unwanted liquid rolling down my cheeks and I felt more weak than I had ever been in my entire life.

"Leave her alone, you're scaring her!" My caring mother pleaded. It didn't do much. It never did. I wished that I had a superpower that could turn me into a stuffed animal, so that he wouldn't be able to find me.

"She's not scared!" He walked towards me. I started to visibly shake. I felt his familiar hand grab my arm again and I yelped, being hauled out of my hiding spot by his cruel grasp. My mother hovered outside of my room, looking terrified and conflicted. My father's strength was basically lifting me into the air yet I wasn't sure if I should be struggling or not. When I squirmed a bit against his hand he tightened his hold, "Tell her you aren't scared!"

"I-I-I-I-" As always I couldn't form words. I was too scared and my mother could tell. We locked eyes from across the room, she was definitely trying to convey her sympathy. My father shook me by the arm, the tears rolling steadily down my cheeks now.

_"Say it." _He spoke through clenched teeth. My mother screamed at him to stop but he didn't. He never did.

"P-Please stop!" I begged him. Apparently it just made him more angry. I felt a familiar hand slam across my cheek and I cried out from pain. My vision became patchy and black in some spots while I just barely managed to hear my mother shouting at him. A trail of blood made its way down from my lip and I started to steadily lose consciousness. I vaguely felt the hand slap me again, and the other one gripping my arm let me go - sending me falling to the floor hard.

* * *

The next morning I found myself in my bed. At first I thought I must have been having a horrible dream, but when I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the bruise I knew it was real. When he had hit me before it never left a mark. I wasn't sure how to cover it up properly. I got ready like normal, only putting some foundation and powder on my cheek. I skipped breakfast because I knew all too well that my parents would be getting up soon. I wasn't sure what had happened after I passed out but I'm sure it wasn't too pleasant. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder and getting dressed without nearly as much enthusiasm as usual, I basically ran out the door and down the street to school.

I knew that my friends would notice my change of demeanor. Usually whenever something happened with my dad I wouldn't go to school that day, but last night had been especially brutal and I wanted to get out of the house. It was just hard to be bubbly and quirky when your father had beaten you the night before. I walked into the main hallway and I saw Tori at her locker, talking to Robbie but clearly trying to make him go away. Putting on the best smile I could manage, I approached the two and hoped nobody could see through my coverup. Tori spotted me first and she smiled broadly. My own grin became more genuine.

"Cat!" She ran up to me and wrapped me in a tight hug, a surprise since I was usually the one who hugged her. I let out a usual squeal of glee to maybe help convince people I was alright. When she let go I felt strange. I wanted to be comforted, but how could anybody console me if I hadn't spoken a word about the problem? Her smile didn't fade.

"Hi Tori! You seem so happy today!" I said. Even I was surprised at how normal I sounded, when on the inside I was struggling just not to run into the janitor's closet and skip my classes all day.

"Well you couldn't hang out all weekend! What was up?" She did a little pout sort of like I did when I didn't get something I wanted. I had totally forgotten that from Friday to Saturday she had been asking me repeatedly to do something. But because of the tension at home for some reason I wanted to be there in case something happened. I'm still not sure what I had been worried about. I quickly came up with a fake explanation.

"My brother got his foot stuck underneath a turtle's shell at the zoo! I was kinda busy." That actually wasn't a total lie, he had done that before. But it hadn't taken an entire weekend to get it sorted out. Tori looked unphased by the weird story about my brother, probably because I told probably five or six a week.

"Oh don't worry, it's cool. Your brother gets into some crazy chiz, huh?" She mumbled the last part but I had heard it. The word "chiz" always made me chuckle but because of the mood I was in I didn't even flinch. I hoped nobody noticed. Somehow I managed to maintain my fake smile.

The loud, chiming bell got my attention and told me I had to go to my first class. I let out one of my trademark giggles before giving a theatrical wave. Robbie said something about getting to his class to show off his new skinny jeans, and Rex made fun of him, and as I started to leave it was then that I felt a hand gently grasp mine. Becoming surprised, I turned my head to see that it was Tori.

"Can you come over to my place tonight?" Tori asked. I opened my mouth to make up an excuse, but then I started considering it. I didn't think that my parents would get angry with me being out of the house. Tori added something on, "We could watch a movie or something. Trina won't be there, she's going on a date with some boy. I'm pretty sure she paid him to take her somewhere."

I giggled again, "That's so sad." Eventually I decided that it would be fine to hang out with her, plus maybe she could help with my dad, "And I think I can go, sure."


	2. Confession

**Chapter 2**  
_Confession_

* * *

**Cat**

I liked Tori's house. Her room was cool too. And I didn't think I had ever seen it that clean before. The other times it hadn't necessarily been dirty, but it wasn't as sparkling as it was then. She had definitely vacuumed. Her fluffy rug was particularly inviting, and her bed had been neatly made - the pillows straightened properly and the sheets looking flat. The large, purple mirror hanging above her dresser had also been cleaned. Her lavender painted walls now hung several pictures of our gang of friends from school, a new addition or perhaps something I just hadn't noticed before. Tori walked in and sat on her bed, patting the area next to her for me to join. I did just that.

"How was your day?" I asked in a playful singsong voice. I only had one class with her so that was a valid question. I batted my eyelids in a ridiculous way, making her chuckle a bit at how childish I acted.

She shrugged a bit, tucking some of her brown curls behind her ear, "Same as usual. Sometimes I wish that I could be optimistic like you. It's like you're having fun all the time."

I laughed outwardly at that. Not just to act like normal, because I literally thought it was ridiculously ironic. She thought that I was happy all the time. I guess she did believe the charade. It just seemed so weird that she thought that, because whenever I was at home it was as if I was rotting from the inside out. When I was at school I guess it was a little bit better because I knew that I was safe, my dad couldn't get me there. At the thoughts I wanted to let my head hang low and my smile slip from my face but I couldn't. That would be a red flag that something was up. I broke our eye contact.

"So what movie do you wanna watch?" I asked in a giddy tone, clasping my hands together in my lap. Whenever I was around Tori I did feel a bit more happy than usual. With the whole gang I felt a bit different, like I had to make sure to be full of glee. For some reason with Tori it wasn't as forced. There was no way she would ever guess that I wasn't this jovial all the time.

I watched as she slid her book bag off her shoulder and gently placed it on the floor next to her. I hadn't even realized that I still had my own backpack on and I too took it off, setting it down on the bed next to me. It was then that I eyed the back pocket. I knew what was in there. I should have taken it out, moved it, or gotten rid of it altogether but it was too late now. My eyes lingered. Part of me wanted to tell Tori about it - my dad. But I didn't want her to worry. At least I was a good actress. Everybody thought I was okay. Everybody just thought I was "Lil' red", the quirky girl who loved life. Nobody ever asked why they couldn't come over to my house and nobody ever asked why I never brought up my parents. Because I just seemed so happy they automatically assumed nothing was wrong. They didn't know I spent hours crying into my pillow or beanbag chair, they didn't know that sometimes I had to wear long-sleeve shirts for reasons besides warmth. At the thought my eyes slowly drifted to my sleeves, knowing what lay beneath them. What if Tori found out? Worry bit at me and I quickly grabbed the ends, balling them up in my hands and maintaining a smile the entire time. By then Tori had already been speaking and I only vaguely caught her words.

"Well obviously not anything scary," She said, giving me a look. I nodded vigorously. That was one thing I wasn't faking, I did scare easily. Tori rolled her eyes playfully, "We could watch a comedy or maybe even a kids movie. I'm in the mood for anything."

I squealed in delight at the thought of a kids movie, making her smile. They always had some sort of cheesy message but I always loved it. The characters made me laugh, and not a fake laugh like I did when I was around my friends to convince them I was the same as usual - a real laugh. And they always had a happy ending that left me wondering if I might have one too. Tori understood what I wanted by my reaction.

"Come on, lets look on the TV and see what we can get." She stood from the bed and I did as well. I looked at my backpack again. For some reason I didn't want to leave it unattended. I was worried that somehow Tori would find it. She would freak. I frantically snatched it up and slung it over my shoulder again. She cocked an eyebrow at me, clearly confused at my actions.

I was good at making up quick excuses, and me faking the innocence would always help, "My notebook's in it. I wanna draw." She smiled at me before gently taking my hand in hers and leading me down the stairs to the couch. I sat, holding the bag tightly against my body. That would seem weird, I said I was going to draw. Almost a bit too hastily I unzipped it and took out my pink notebook, pulling out a pencil as well. Tori sat at my side, our arms touching a bit. If she wanted to watch me draw that would be fine.

I flipped to a blank sheet while Tori started looking for a movie. Whenever she said a title of one I always said yes, leaving her to actually make the decision. I wasn't even aware of what I was drawing, just letting the pencil graze over the paper and do whatever it wanted to. Sometimes I wasn't even looking. It was only when Tori looked over my shoulder and let out an "awwww!" that I blinked a few times and realized what it was.

Although it was a very rough sketch, it was clear what it was. Tori and I sitting beneath a tree, eating apples while I fed one to a unicorn. Seeing what I drew even made me giggle a bit. I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder and my face reddened just a bit - not enough to be noticed. A movie had also started to play but I hadn't gotten to see the title. I gently set my picture down on the couch next to me to watch more closely. Tori's arm went back to her side but it took her a good few moments. She muttered something about not really reading the description so she wasn't sure what it would be about, but I brushed it off. Throughout the entire thing I felt my eyes getting more and more glossy.

It wasn't from the movie itself. In fact I had already seen it a few times with my brother. It was just the fact that I loved spending time with Tori yet I hadn't told her my secret. It was tearing me apart from the inside. I felt like if I told her she would inform the authorities. Although I thought my dad deserved to rot in prison for what he had done to me and my mother, for some reason I didn't want that to happen. He was still my _dad._ Just because he wasn't a good one didn't mean I wanted him punished like that. My fists gradually clenched until my knuckles were white. Tori was enthralled with what played on the screen so she didn't notice my willpower shattering. Every now and then I would glance over at her. She was my best friend and I was keeping something huge from her. I couldn't tell. But I had to. For a second my eyes clamped tightly shut from the confliction I felt, and a tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away and she didn't notice. But by the time the credits were rolling and Tori turned the light on, you could tell I was fighting back tears.

"Cat?" She asked sweetly, turning her position on the couch so she was facing me. I refused to look at her because I knew the tears would come out. I didn't want that right then. It would just make things worse. I felt her hand gently touch my shoulder, "What's the matter?"

That's it. I couldn't keep them back anymore. Having absolutely no control over them, sobs hit me like a ton of bricks and I started shaking, burying my face into my hands. I heard Tori gasp and I felt her wrapping me into her arms. I buried my face into her shoulder, no doubt getting makeup stains there. She held me tightly but I couldn't stop crying, knowing that I still hadn't actually made my decision. Her hand stroked my firetruck red hair, something that normally would have made me smile or would force me to let out a fake squeal of glee like usual, but I wasn't capable of doing anything even remotely happy at that moment. I tried desperately to stop my crying but it seemed to be impossible.

"Cat..." She sounded so worried and upset. It just made my cry harder. She was so caring and sweet but I couldn't speak a word, "...was it the movie?" I shook my head back and forth, face still buried in her shirt, "Then what is it? Come on, you can tell me..." I shook my head again, but what she had said sounded more like a question than a reassurance. Finally when I managed to gather the strength, I pulled away. Even though I was still steadily crying it had become less hysteric.

"C-can I stay the night?" I asked her, my voice patchy and uneven.

"Of course you can." She hugged me again, and we sat there like that for a long time, my tears not stopping for hours.

* * *

I stared at myself in the mirror, having already wiped off all of my eye makeup since it had been pretty jacked anyway. I was inside Tori's bathroom and had been in there for a pretty long time, trying to think about what I could do with my coverup. I didn't want to sleep in my makeup. I would wake up with it technically off anyway. If I took off my red lipstick you would be able to see the cut there. Then again, if I took all of it off and walked right out Tori would vaguely know what was going on without me having to tell her. I stared down at the sink for the first time in roughly fifteen minutes of just staring at myself. I had also rolled up my sleeves. My backpack was resting on the counter next to me. I couldn't bare to leave it with Tori.

My eyes slowly drifted to it again. That dreaded pocket that held that dreaded object. Slowly I reached forward and unzipped it, feeling the familiar shiny metal. I tugged it out and nearly started sobbing all over again.

The razor.

This was my outlet. The only thing I could think of. I started just recently. A month ago. When things between my parents got worse and my dad would take it out on me. I stared at the several cuts already on my wrists. Sometimes he got inside my head. He would convince me that everything regarding their fights was entirely my fault and I would believe every word. Now that I was thinking about it again they seemed even more true. I was becoming lost in thought. When I managed to snap myself out of the trance the razor had gotten closer to my wrist. I gasped audibly. No. I shouldn't cut. Not at Tori's, at least. What if she found out? The hand holding the razor started to shake. Trying to hold it steady by clutching it very tightly with my index finger and thumb, I felt the destroyed part of me taking over. The sleek metal slowly dug its way into the heel of my hand until I finally realized what I was doing, literally tossing the terrible thing into the toilet and flushing it before I could even think.

My hand was started to bleed. I washed it out with water and soap. Some of the blood got on my face when I had started to cry and wipe at my eyes. Now I had to take off my makeup. I tugged another wipe from the box Tori had pointed out to me and rubbed at my cheek with it. Pretty soon the white sheet had turned entirely tan. And my face looked awful.

My entire right cheek where I had been slapped was a lavenderish color. The cut on my lip now greatly stood out. I looked so weak and stupid. My hand continued to bleed. I didn't know where the band-aids were and I didn't have the courage to ask. That was when I started to cry again. I slowly sunk to the floor, hugging my legs tightly to my body as I tried to muffle the sobs with my hands. Everything inside of me ached. Whenever I touched my cheek it hurt. I didn't even know why I was staying the night at Tori's. Dad would be mad about it tomorrow.

"Cat?" I heard her voice outside the bathroom door, which I had been smart enough to lock. The part of me that was still slightly composed forced my body to stand. I wiped my tears to the best of my ability and snatched up some powder. Slamming it onto my cheek in a frenzy I heard Tori steadily knocking on the door. It sounded like she was starting to panic, "Cat?! Open the door, are you okay?!" She was turning the doorknob trying to get in.

I kept putting more and more powder onto my face but I just looked ridiculous. It wasn't working. As the brush continued roughly hitting my cheek, the tears rolled down my cheeks at a steady rate and just washed what I put on back off. It was pointless. Tori started to absolutely pound on the door and was pleading with me to open it, something that just made me cry even more. Finally I slammed the brush down on the sink and walked towards the dreaded lock. My hand was still dripping with blood, my sleeves were still rolled up revealing all of my cuts, and my cheek was now exposed as well as my bloody lip. It sounded like Tori was slamming her side against the door trying to break it down. I let out a sob, shaking, until I finally gripped the deadbolt and unlocked it. The next time she turned the doorknob it opened.

Tori stepped inside, "Cat-" When she saw me her expression changed entirely to one of pure sympathy. I took a step back from her, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. Her usually white porcelain sink was splattered with makeup and my blood. Her eyes first went to my face, then my lip, then the cuts on my hand and forearms, "Oh my god..." Her mouth hung open in shock. I looked away from her, the shame becoming too much as more sobs racked my body. It was then that she came farther into the bathroom and held me close again.

"What happened to you...?" She asked. My weeping was so violent it was making her quake as well. Again I was faced with a terrible decision I would have to tell her now to give some explanation for the cuts and bruise. When I didn't say another word she simply led me to her bedroom, sitting us both down on the bed. She had let me go but when she did my sobbing got somehow even more hysteric, so she hugged me again.

"Cat... what's going on...?" She asked me. I felt like I was literally going to die.

"I-I-" Words felt terrible coming out of my mouth. I felt shame, guilt, depression, confusion, despair. It was like nothing was ever going to get better. Staying here had been a mistake. It wasn't going to make things any better. Part of me wanted to get up and leave at those thoughts, but I wasn't emotionally stable enough. If I did I might literally shatter to pieces. Even though it made my throat hurt speaking, I managed to speak, "I-I can't t-tell you..."

Tori held me tighter in a protective way. Her chin rested on the top of my head gently, "Cat please. I promise that I'll help you, no matter what." One of her hands made its way to my arm. When one of her fingers grazed one of my many cuts I yelped, snatching my arm away as my cheeks turned a deep red color. Her apology was written all over her face.

I had to tell. Things might get better. If there was even a slight chance that this hell of a life I lived could get better, I was going to take it. Everything hurt, inside and out. The tears that rolled down my face started to feel like acid. I knew that once I confessed this my life would change forever. Before my thoughts could convince me otherwise I let out the truth in a giant rant.

"It's my dad. Whenever I'm at home my parents fight all the time and sometimes he grabs me, or hits me when they're screaming at each other. H-he would convince me that it was my fault they fought and I-I would believe him s-so I started cutting... I'm so stupid... I-I'm sorry..." My words were lost to a fit of violent tears. I felt like I was going to faint, something that I usually did when overwhelmed with this much anxiety. Tori let me go and was holding my head by the sides. When her thumb brushed against my bruised, tear-glistening cheek I shuddered at the touch.

"Don't be sorry, Cat, shhh..." She rested her forehead against mine, her brown eyes seeming to read me like a book. We stayed that way for a long time and she didn't speak another word while I just kept bawling my eyes out. Eventually we fell asleep. I'm not sure when or how long it had been. All I knew was that in the morning everything would be different.


	3. Keep You Safe

**Chapter 3**  
_Keep You Safe_

* * *

**Tori**

I couldn't help but stare at her. The bruised cheek, the cut lip, the self inflicted cuts being beneath the blankets and out of sight. The news I received from the night before had come out of nowhere to me, yet I had the feeling Cat had been waiting for a long time to tell. I found her hand beneath the blankets but she remained asleep. I still found myself struggling to keep from going into shock. Cat simply seems so optimistic and happy. But it turns out she was being abused. Now that I thought about it I hadn't once been to her house, or heard her talk about her parents. It made sense why.

Never in my life had I felt that protective of someone before. Even if Cat was faking being so happy all the time that didn't mean she wasn't genuinely innocent and sweet. We were still best friends. That hadn't changed and it never would. Not after what happened. The one thing that stunned me the most was that she was _cutting _herself. I never would have expected that, especially. What had she used? While she slept I had gone to the bathroom to clean it up, wiping her blood and powder from my sink and finding some blood in the toilet as well. Now that I thought about it, she must have flushed the razor or the knife to get rid of it. My parents had been gone the night before, out on a day trip that lasted longer than planned. I told them about Cat staying the night over the phone and they were fine with it. Now, as I laid at her side, staring at her injuries - both emotional and physical, I wanted to help more than anything in the world.

Cat suddenly let out a whimper in her sleep, hugging her hands close to her chest. I released my grip on the one I had been holding, brow creasing in worry. She must have been having a nightmare. Sitting up in my bed I put my hand on her shoulder and gently shook it. She woke up immediately, eyes wide in panic, looking saddened and confused. Giving her a weak smile, she started breathing unevenly in a sort of panic.

"Cat, Cat it's okay. You're at my house, remember?" I asked her carefully. Eventually she calmed down after holding eye contact for a minute or so. She sat up as well, the two of us leaning against the headboard. Her gaze moved from me and stared off into the distance, definitely thinking. Her bruised cheek was facing my direction and I couldn't help but stare at it. When she caught me I frantically looked away.

"Tori..." Her voice cracked. I scooted closer to her on instinct but didn't look her way again, "...he's gonna get mad that I stayed here tonight..."

What she had said made me worried all over again. Her lip started to tremble. I put my arm around her and her head rested on my shoulder, clearly trying to fight back tears. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want her to go back to her parent's house just to get abused again. I noticed her hands clench tightly into fists and I reached down to pat one of them in a comforting way.

"...You're gonna go back there?" I asked her slowly. Maybe she could stay with me. I had a feeling that Cat didn't want anybody else to find out about her dad, even though I knew something would have to be done soon. My parents might let her stay if I came up with a good enough excuse. It was Trina who would poke and prod in places she shouldn't. When Cat buried her face into my shoulder and let out a single sob I knew for sure that I would keep her here.

"I don't know..." She curled up into a sort of ball, cuddling closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her with a frown. Her hands clutched at the fabric of my sleeve, "I-I'm scared..."

_This is so sad... _I thought to myself, placing a hand gently on her back. She was shaking again. It was then that I started to feel anger towards her dad. I wanted to yell at him, scream at him, tell him not to hurt Cat anymore. She was my best friend, I didn't want her to feel any pain ever. Her dad hurt her even when he wasn't around.

"You can stay here. I'll make sure my parents say it's cool." Her tears were stopping. I had calmed her down. After a few more seconds she scooted away from me, wiping frantically at her cheeks. I could see the cut on her hand. It had dried blood on it. The cuts on her wrists looked ominous. I slowly reached forward, grasping her wrist and examining the wound. She just watched me. I had to get it cleaned up, "Come on," I muttered, doing my best to make my voice sound sincere. I guess it worked because her expression softened. Cat let me lead her out of my bed and to the bathroom. I locked the door, not wanting Trina or my mom to come in while I dressed my friend's wound.

I practically dragged Cat towards the sink, her entire body nearly limp. I opened a small drawer, pulling out the things I usually used to clean whatever cuts I managed to get. When I rubbed the cotton ball with the peroxide on her cut she hissed through her teeth. I apologized before gently putting the bandaid over the heel of her hand, something that made her relax a bit.

"Thanks..." She said in her small voice. It didn't sound like usual. It was lackluster. Our eyes met and the gaze was held for a while. It was only right then that I started to feel a bit strange. I had only felt like that a few times before. Once with Danny, once with Rider, and again with Beck for a few seconds when we first met. But it wasn't making much sense. I didn't like... _girls. _And if I did I definitely wouldn't like my best friend...

...but then again, she's my best friend for a reason. Cat is sweet, genuinely trustworthy, compassionate and cares deeply about all of her friends. And obviously she was pretty. Gorgeous. Even with the bruise still on her cheek and the cut on her lip, she appeared perfect to me. I blinked a few times, the realization that I had a _crush _on _Cat_ a bit overwhelming. She raised an eyebrow at me, looking confused at my expression. I felt my cheeks begin to burn and the eye contact broke immediately on my part.

"You okay?" She asked in her caring, for some reason now alluring voice. This was so weird. Too weird. I found myself at a loss for words. My mouth was hung open in surprise from what I had just found out. My head started to hurt.

"Y-Yeah... I'm fine." I couldn't look at her. How could I have a _crush _on _Cat?! _ It was only when I felt her soft hand on my cheek that our eyes met again. She was so pretty. Her red hair should have been messed up from sleep but it was straight as a pin. I wanted to kiss her. _What?! _I screamed at myself in my head. Everything inside of me was so confused. Was I bi? Or a lesbian? Where was this coming from? I reached up and gently grabbed her wrist, managing to give her a reassuring smile as I tugged her hand away. She still looked wounded and broken on the inside.

"Come on, I'll make you breakfast. We've got school soon." I muttered under my breath.

* * *

We walked in together. My parents hadn't gotten up by the time we left the house. Cat obviously wasn't ready to expose her injuries so I helped her cover them up. When we were done it was basically impossible to tell. I just hoped that something didn't happen that would wash off the makeup or she would be terribly embarrassed. Trina didn't like the fact I hadn't told her Cat spent the night because she came down the stairs ranting about her date, saying some rather humiliating things. Lets just say Cat and I rushed out.

I was still basically going into shock from discovering my crush. Even though I knew it was impossible I felt like everybody could tell. On the way to school she wouldn't stop thanking me for the night before. She borrowed a shirt from me. It was long-sleeve. She didn't leave my side for most of the day even though we only had one class together. In the halls she would run up to me. It was so strange how she could constantly remain happy throughout the day after what I had seen at my house. It really was just an act but it seemed so real to me, and apparently to everybody else as well.

During Sikowitz's class I noticed that Cat wasn't there. That really worried me since she had been basically on top of me all day. Her seat was painfully empty. My brow furrowed and I couldn't concentrate through the whole period. Finally when the worry started to become too much I asked to go the bathroom. I walked through the halls, calling out Cat's name at a low volume, getting more and more concerned by the minute. Maybe her dad had come to school and taken her home. Maybe she had run off from being too scared. I finally thought of the possibility of the janitor's closet - the place that every girl in our gang (including myself) for some reason naturally flocked to. When I pushed open the door I heard the faint sound of crying in the corner and I immediately felt concern slam into me.

"Cat?" I walked towards her. She was facing the corner but it was obviously her, easy to determine because of her hair. I loved the color of her hair. I knelt at her side, my face contorting into that of pity. She gasped audibly, her head turning in my direction - clearly surprised that I was there.

"T-Tori? Why aren't you in class?" Even though she looked terrified the redhead turned around to face me. I scooted closer to her. The romantic feelings just kept getting stronger and it got me more and more confused. Was I seriously bi? I didn't know and at that moment I didn't care. All I was thinking about was making Cat feel better. I didn't like it when she cried.

"I saw that you weren't in your seat and I got worried, so I came to find you..." I got closer to her, my hand making its way to her chin to aim her face more at me. She looked embarrassed, her cheeks reddening a bit. Her skin felt like silk. Even though I didn't want to pull my hand away, it would get weird soon. I didn't want her to catch onto my feelings, "...what's wrong?"

She was still crying, but since I came in I think that it got less hysteric. For some reason I was good at calming her down. The thought made me almost smile but I didn't. I took both of her hands in mine, something that nearly stopped the tears entirely. She still didn't look at me.

"M-my dad called the school... he didn't know where I was..." I could have sworn she got closer to me but I doubted it was real. I might have liked her but I was positive she didn't like me. My eyes drifted as she continued, still having my utter attention, "...I got scared so I ran here... what if he comes looking for me?" She was starting to cry again, "Tori... what if I can't stay with you? What if he finds me?"

At those words I immediately moved closer and hugged her tightly. She continued to cry, shuddering a bit. I tried desperately to steady her. I wanted desperately to keep her safe and calm. She didn't say anything else but I slowly responded to her, "He won't find you... you're gonna stay at my place I promise." She pulled me even closer, yearning for comfort, "I'll keep you safe."


	4. Nightmares

**Chapter 3**  
_Nightmares_

* * *

**Cat**

I had been staying with Tori for a few days. Her parents were totally cool with it and I wasn't sure what she had said to not make them suspicious, but they hadn't asked me a single question. I knew that if she had told them the truth her dad would have interfered - being a cop and all. Whenever he was around I felt weird. It was a combination of jealousy because Tori had a nice father, and worry that he would find out what was going on at home somehow. If he ever looked at me I would avoid eye contact at all costs.

I was doing okay. Better than before. After that moment of weakness in the janitor's closet I made a silent promise to myself I would really try to get my act together. I hadn't cried since then, which was a huge step forward. It wasn't like I had been totally reformed again, I still felt broken apart. But it was like Tori was picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Too bad the shards were more like puzzle-pieces than not. It was going to be hard to make me whole again.

She had been acting differently but I couldn't quite place how. If I ever looked like I was about to cry or if my eyes even became a little bit glossy she would hold my hand until I went back to normal. I would sleep in her bed even though every night I offered to sleep on the floor or couch. I assumed it was because she felt guilty for not realizing something was up sooner. She was trying to make up for the pain I had to endure without her help. It didn't make much sense since it had been my fault for not telling anybody. I could sense her concern if I ever showed sadness - either by a voice cracking or a shaky exhale.

I was doing really well. Tori agreed with me if I ever brought it up. I hadn't had a nightmare in a long time. It was good because usually they made me cry. I didn't like crying because that was when I felt most weak and stupid. One time I had told her that I felt dumb when I shed tears and she told me that was ridiculous. Judging by her reaction I decided against telling her that I often felt like an idiot when I hurt myself, not knowing how she might respond. My self mutilation was a touchy topic, I could tell. If I was ever changing she would stare at my cuts but would look away when I caught her. I was surprised nobody noticed that I wore long-sleeve shirts every day in Los Angeles. Again it was probably because I seemed so happy to them 24/7.

If Jade ever said anything even remotely mean to me Tori would stare daggers at her for a good five minutes or so. Even though I knew that Jade was just kidding and being how she normally was, it was like Tori took it personally. Even though I considered it a bit uncalled for nobody else seemed to notice. I was flattered she cared so much. She had been acting differently ever since I confessed.

My no-nightmare streak was broken on Thursday. I can still vividly remember what I had dreamt about.

I went back home to get some of my things to bring back to Tori's. It looked like my parents weren't home, neither of the cars were in the driveway. I snuck in through a window on the first floor but I dreaded going up the stairs because they creaked. Even though I knew that they weren't home I didn't want to make any noise or leave any trace. After the fact I realized that was dumb, since I was going to be taking things from my room they would notice if investigated. But when I opened my door it wasn't what usually lay behind it.

All of my stuffed animals' bodies had been ripped to threads, hanging by their still intact heads by mere strings of their stuffing. Makeshift nooses had been tied around their fuzzy necks, dangling them from my ceiling. On the wall directly in front of my doorway words were spray-painted in black - my least favorite color: We don't want you back. That alone made me literally scream, backing away and unfortunately stumbling onto the floor. I nearly fell down the stairs. It was then that my dad showed up as if out of nowhere. I had fallen onto my back. He straddled my waist and struck me across the face, the entire time screaming about how his crumbling marriage was all my fault. He called me names, terrible names that I never would have called anyone. I screamed at him to stop in desperation but it didn't work and he hit me again. I squirmed beneath him and managed to break free but he shoved forward, the force successfully sending me down the stairs.

Each step amplified my agony to new levels. I felt my arms gaining new bruises and cuts. My pants tore. I yelped and shrieked, bleeding from so many different new wounds. When I finally reached the bottom I couldn't move and could barely see - having hit my head several times too. I couldn't tell if I was crying or not because my face felt numb. Spots appeared in my vision. I heard him coming down after me but it was very hard to decipher what the noise was. I felt his foot on my stomach and it knocked the wind out of me. He was calling me those names again, convincing me that I was the cause of all the family troubles. The evidence he presented me with made it sound all the more convincing. I suddenly felt the irresistible urge to cut but it was just a dream and I couldn't. I screamed, begging him to stop as he continued to beat me, kick my side or stomp my stomach. It was only when I lost consciousness in the dream that I returned to reality, panting spastically in terror.

Tori was asleep at my side. The room was darker than I would have liked. It just enhanced my fear. I put a hand on my chest to stop my heavy breathing. I became torn when I felt the tears in my eyes. Should I stay and be comforted by her while I wept, or should I leave the room and quench the irresistible urge to cut? I stared at my quaking hands, at the cuts that I hid behind thin fabric. I was pathetic. Even if it had just been a dream my dad had been right. I chose the latter decision.

Slowly I scooted off the bed, careful not to move it much so as not to wake her up. I shuffled to the door, my hand pressed firmly over my mouth in case I started crying again. I made my way silently to the kitchen. I didn't know where Tori kept her cutlery but eventually I found it after a long trial and error process. I slowly took out a serrated blade and walked into her bathroom. I locked the door for obvious reasons and proceeded towards the mirror. When I looked in it all I saw was garbage. My head hung low as my lip began to quiver, a tear rolling down my cheek, remembering all the names my dad called me. The knife found my wrist it seemed without me having to guide it. I felt it dig into my flesh and I let out a gasp of pain, until it became familiar. My eyes were clamped tightly shut.

My father was right about everything. The blade went in deeper, before drawing away and placing another cut a little higher than the previous one. I knew that these would be harder to conceal but that didn't stop me. I couldn't stop. After three cuts the knife made its way to my other hand without me even realizing it. I littered the other arm with new slices, all the while tears steadily rolling down my bruised cheek. The bruise had gotten a bit less noticeable but I could still see it, sticking out like a sore thumb on my complexion. My lip had healed by then but in the dreaded mirror, during my fit of self-hatred, I could see it again. I could hear my dad's voice in my ear, ridiculing me, taunting me. It urged me to hurt myself even more.

I managed to stop when I heard footsteps coming down the hall. It was then that the shame set in. That familiar, god awful shame. My cheeks turned the same color as my hair. I rinsed the blade off in her sink and stared, dumbfounded at my arms. When I was in a state like that I had no control over what I was doing. I watched as blood dripped out of the cuts and fell to the white floor, standing out greatly. Tears that made their way down my face joined the crimson liquid on the ground. The knife rolled from my hand and clattered to the floor audibly. I backed up and away from the door until I hit a wall, sinking down it until I was sitting there. My blood and tears made Tori's floor look slippery and unpleasant. The bathroom light made everything around me look sickly.

"Cat?" I heard a harsh whisper coming from the hall. I could tell that it was Tori. She would be so disappointed when she saw what I had done. I balled up a bit of my sleeve and bit down on it hard, muffling the sounds of my weeping. I watched as the doorknob turned. Obviously she was unable to open it because of the lock. I wasn't sure if I would have the strength to unlock it this time. She knocked on the door a few times, "Cat? You in there?" I wanted to be stronger for her. But I couldn't. It was literally impossible.

She was starting to get frantic. A very small part of me that still had control forced my body forward. I crawled on the blood splattered floor, further tainting it. The larger part of me that was still broken wanted me to just stay there and cry until I bled out. But I couldn't do that either. I wouldn't. I hovered at the door, my sobbing still muffled by my sleeve.

"Cat?! I'm not mad Cat, open the door, please!" She was twisting the doorknob back and forth but it obviously didn't do anything. I cried harder, accidentally emitting a small sound. Although it was relatively quiet it was easy to determine that it was from tears. I could basically feel her concerned eyes through the door, "Cat... please. Let me help..." My hand made its way to the lock without me even noticing it, flipping the deadbolt up and out of place. After realizing what I had done I backed away immediately until I hit the wall. Tori turned the knob and that time the door opened.

She stared at me with her mouth agape, my blood all over the floor and sink. She looked so sympathetic and concerned. Tori walked right in and straight towards me, getting her fuzzy slippers stained with blood. She too looked on the verge of tears. It made me feel terrible. All I caused was guilt or problems. The hatred of myself grew stronger as she got closer. When she knelt down at my side her look of pity made me wish I hadn't unlocked that door. I was absolutely bawling. Tori had closed the door behind her, probably not wanting to draw attention from her parents. She grabbed my hand to look at my arm but I pulled it away, shaking my head back and forth. She grasped it again and I didn't have the strength to tug it from her again. I watched her carefully.

"These are deep, Cat..." She told me, her voice weak and unsteady. I didn't want her to cry. How could I comfort her? I wouldn't know how. Not when I was so desperately yearning to be comforted, even though I couldn't admit that right then. When Tori released her grip on my wrist, I let it fall limply to my side. Blood still seeped from the cuts. I watched as she went to the drawers around her sink, fumbling, clearly having a hard time finding something that would help. Eventually she returned with some bandages. She started wrapping them around my arm.

Her touch was soft. Compassionate. Relaxing. Her brown eyes were focussed on her task while I couldn't tear my gaze away from her. It was strange. I had never felt that way before. Whenever I was with boys it didn't last long. I either got scared about them meeting my parents or they never did and would get offended, breaking up with me first. This was different. The other times had just been one time things and it was always based on looks when it came to me. My relationships never lasted long enough for me to actually get to know the person. Right when I started to feel something even slightly similar to that - it ended. My mouth hung open in surprise.

I liked Tori.

She was so pretty. Beautiful, really. Was I a lesbian? Or bi? For some reason that didn't surprise me as much as it should have. I had never had a real relationship with a guy before because it never worked out. She continued to bandage my arm, not once meeting my eyes. I wondered if she felt the same way but at the state I was in I doubted it. Since I personally hated myself so much it seemed practically impossible for anybody to think positively about me. Her lips were flattened into a straight line, her brow creased. I felt an urge that I had never felt before, a unique lust that nearly couldn't be contained. If I hadn't been so broken I might have been unable to resist.

She finished one of my arms and moved to the next one, the entire time not speaking the word. I could tell that she did the first one carefully - making the bandages as thin as possible so they wouldn't bulge beneath my clothes. I opened my mouth to try and thank her. It was then that I realized I had stopped crying. Only she could do that. Usually my tears lasted for hours. Not when she was around.

"What made you cut...?" She hesitantly spoke. The terrible, looming feelings came back all over again. Although I didn't want to say it aloud because it would make me cry all over again, I didn't just want to ignore her. And she sounded concerned. And after the realization of my feelings I desperately didn't want to upset her.

"I had a nightmare..." I wanted comfort. I wanted _her. _Even though I knew for sure she didn't like me that way, I found myself moving closer to her face, slowly but surely, "...it was bad." She finished bandaging my other arm, and by that time I had gotten noticeably closer. We locked eyes. I saw something different in them, something I had never seen in anybody's eyes before. I couldn't define it. Even with her tired and worried expression she looked angelic.

"I'm..." She was breathless. Our breathing became heavy and it mixed between the space between us. I felt something. Maybe my feelings were mutual? It was then that I felt suddenly nervous. I didn't want to make our friendship weird if I planned on staying at her house. I scooted away but it took more effort than anything I had ever done. She seemed unmoved by it, "...I'm sorry..."

Tori finally finished bandaging both arms and she led me back to her room. It took all of my willpower not to hold onto her through the night, but I did find her hand beneath the covers. She didn't once let it go.


	5. The Song

**Chapter 5**  
_The Song_

* * *

**Tori**

I couldn't believe that Cat had cut again. She had been doing so well now that she had been staying with me. I definitely hadn't been expecting it. Since I had discovered my crush it felt a million times worse to see her hurting herself. How could somebody so perfect thing they deserved to feel pain? Part of me wanted to know what her dad had said to her, or what her dreams were about so that I could better understand. Cat was so sweet. And her father had hurt her so badly she considered herself beyond repair. But I was determined to bring her back. To make her happy like she was at school all the time but have it be _real _instead of an act. After that night I wondered if she had been cutting at all since she stayed with me and keeping it a secret, or if that was a one time thing. If she had been keeping it hidden I wasn't exactly one to point fingers. I was hiding something too.

For one I was hiding my true feelings, but I knew that I would never be able to tell her those. I would get too nervous. I didn't want to mess anything up or make it awkward between us. Then there was the song. In one of my classes I'm supposed to sing a song assigned to me - something that my teacher thought would be a challenge personally fitted to our criteria. What she gave me didn't seem to make much sense - _The Broken Ones_ by Dia Frampton. I had never heard it but I looked it up on Zaplook. It was good. But when I really listened to the lyrics and finally looked it up, it was pretty surprising.

The song perfectly described Cat. She was broken, or at least she thought so. But the fact that she had been so emotionally hurt and was still able to act nice as school made her seem more perfect in my eyes. I was going to make sure that Cat came to the show I sang at. Because I wanted her to hear it. Because she might catch onto what I was feeling without having to directly say it. And it just might make her feel better - give her hope in herself. I told her about it the morning before. She gave me a half-hearted smile and asked if she could invite some other people. I was performing the song with Andre and the rest of his band but I hadn't told Jade, Beck, or Robbie about it. Trina already knew, unfortunately. Cat invited them.

The night of I couldn't have been more nervous. I even considered telling Andre when he came up and asked me what was going on, just in a casual way. If at least one person knew and I got to see their reaction, maybe I wouldn't be as nervous. My plan was this: find Cat in the crowd as the music started up and not take my eyes off her for the whole performance. Maybe that way she would catch on I was trying to sing it to _her_, not anybody else. And if she listened closely enough to the lyrics maybe she would catch on. I wanted her to. Desperately.

I lost count of how many compliments I got on how I looked. Even Jade looked me up and down a bit. I thought Robbie was going to faint. It took me hours to get ready. It was a special occasion. I wanted to look pretty if I was going to have a possibly life-changing conversation with Cat. I had managed to get her out of the house by forcing her to hang out with Jade while I prepared. I didn't want her to see me beforehand.

I wore a flattering, sparkly, black, mid-thigh length dress. I took extra time to curl my hair properly and an even longer time making my makeup absolutely perfect. I probably checked and tinkered it fifty times while I was waiting to go outside. The show was nothing fancy. I was performing it on the stage in the cafeteria. I had never really been nervous for a show before, not since my first time. But because of the significance of this one I was terrified. That was why Andre noticed, my frantic pacing evidence enough. People in the audience had parked their cars in the parking lot to watch like usual. I assumed that Cat would be with our gang.

I walked up the steps, my entire body nearly shaking. I had never gotten the jitters before, nor had I ever felt that close to my legs giving out. I looked stunning. I was turning heads and I was fully aware of it. My teeth wanted to chatter but I managed to prevent that. Andre walked at my side, his guitar in hand, his band already set up on the balcony. It was only when I reached the microphone and heard the uproar of the crowd of my peers that I spotted Cat. And all of the nerves calmed instantly.

She looked amazing. Perfect. A pink sleeveless dress down to her knees. To hide the bandages that covered her cuts she wore matching long gloves. If I hadn't known about them I never would have guessed they were there. Her makeup was done especially nice as well, even though I thought she looked fantastic without it - or even with tears streaming down her cheeks. Our eyes met and she gave an enthusiastic wave. I couldn't tell but I thought for a moment that she looked astonished at my appearance. One could hope. She stood next to Beck's convertible, the rest of the gang besides Andre piled inside of it or sitting on the hood. They waved at me too but I didn't tear my intense gaze from her. I couldn't.

The music started up. I didn't find myself getting as lost in it as I usually did. If this had been a normal occasion I would have completely forgotten the fact that I had an audience. Now that was only slightly true. Now I felt like I was only singing to Cat. I felt my heart swell, my mouth forming the words without even realizing it entirely.

_I know they've hurt you bad._  
_Why hide the scars you have?_  
_Baby let me straighten out your broken bones,_  
_All your falls to me make you more beautiful._

It was only after that first verse that I think she started to realize I was trying to sing directly towards her. Her brow furrowed a bit as her expression became more serious - more like the one I was accustomed to seeing at my house. The one that didn't hide how broken she really was. I was at first worried that the others would take notice. But when I saw a new sort of glint to her eyes that I had never seen before I didn't care at all. The words continued, flowing nicely into the chorus.

_I can't help it,_  
_I love the broken ones,_  
_The ones who, _  
_Need the most patching up,_

I wanted her to catch on. She had to catch on.

_The ones who've,_  
_Never been loved,_  
_Never been loved,_  
_Never been loved enough._

I felt like the music wasn't even playing. I felt like the only two people in the entire world were Cat and I. I felt like I couldn't hear the occasional whoops and cheers coming from the crowd. Even though I could and would never be positive, it was as if Cat felt the same way. I wished that was true. I wanted her more than anything in the world at that moment. Everything around turned invisible.

_Maybe I see a part of me in them._  
_The missing piece always trying to fit in._  
_A shattered heart,_  
_Hungry for a home._  
_No you're not alone,_  
_I love the broken ones._

Did I love her? I had told her that before, but that had been when we were just best friends. That had been when I thought she really _was _the innocent, bubbly Cat that everybody else knew. That was before I discovered all of the things she had gone through all alone. I had never felt love before. But maybe this was it - feeling like you two were the only people in the entire world when in reality there were others all around you. Feeling like nothing could ever tear you away from each other and knowing you would do anything for that person. Getting butterflies in your stomach if they even looked your way, or cherishing every touch you shared no matter how minor. Maybe this was it.

_You don't have to drive,_  
_With your headlights off._  
_It's a pocketknife, _  
_Not a gift from God._

That was true. It reminded me of her cutting. How she shouldn't be doing it. How she was so perfect and beautiful that hurting herself seemed ridiculous. I made my eyes change to that of sympathy and I prayed she caught my meaning.

_Don't you learn of love from the love they kept._  
_I will be your anchor slowly,_  
_Step by step._

I didn't care how long it took. She would get better. I would do anything for her to forget about her father or at least move past it. That was pretty clear.

The chorus left my mouth again automatically, without me even noticing it myself. Our locked gaze was so intense. I wondered what other people in the audience were thinking. Maybe that I was doing well. Maybe that I was staring at something in the distance or at nothing in particular. But that wasn't the case. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Perfection.

_Maybe we can rip off the bandage._  
_Maybe you will see it for what it is._  
_Maybe we can burn this building,_  
_Holding you in._

I wanted to stop singing. I wanted to go down there and hold her close to me. I wanted to see if she understood that I was singing this to _her. _I wanted her to understand that I loved her. I wanted her to love me too. Or at least like me. I would take anything. As long as it came from Cat Valentine.

_I can't help it,_  
_I love the broken ones,_  
_The ones who, _  
_Need the most patching up. _  
_The ones who,_  
_Never been loved,_  
_Never been loved,_  
_Never been loved enough._

I felt my voice swell as my heart leapt when I saw her smile. Her red, beautiful, plush lips curling into a small little smirk. It was adorable. She was amazing. I wanted to kiss those lips. If she felt the same way I knew that I would feel more than complete. I would feel so much happiness that it would last for the rest of my life. Everything inside of me yearned for her. It took all of my strength to keep from stopping the song altogether.

_Maybe I see a part of me in them._  
_The missing piece always trying to fit in._  
_The shattered heart,_  
_Hungry for a home,_  
_No you're not alone,_  
_I love the broken ones._

I watched as she started to part through the crowd. She was walking towards the school's door. She was going inside. Mixed signals ran rampant through my mind.

_I love the broken ones._

I had to finish the song. But why had she left? How did anybody have the strength to break the intensity of that eye lock? Had something I sad forced her to leave?

_I love the broken ones._

It was almost over. I could almost leave. Gradually my audience returned to my vision since Cat had left. I could hear the music again. I could hear the cheers as the song came to a close.

_I love the broken ones._

It was done. If the microphone hadn't been on a stand I would have dropped it in my haste. I completely ignored the roaring applause I received and turned on my heel, basically running down the stairs. Andre clapped me on the shoulder in congratulations but I barely even felt it. The next act was on and he had to stay on stage. I didn't hesitate, nearly stomping down the steps and proceeding into the school building. It was unlocked, strangely enough. Probably for people that had to go to the bathroom. I was surprised our teachers trusted us that much. My hand found the door and I jogged into the main hall despite the fact I was wearing heels. Where was she? I needed to find her. I loved her. It was true. I knew it for sure. I walked slowly to the center of the hallway intersection and stood still. My heart had long since jumped into my throat.

"Tori?" I recognized her voice immediately and I spun around, spotting her on the stairs. She looked fantastic. I stared at her for a few moments as she descended down the steps. I found myself unable to move towards her. My mouth was agape, not having any clue how this conversation was going to go. She walked towards me. She looked a bit nervous too so that was a relief, "...I liked that song..."

I smiled a bit, feeling my cheeks begin to burn, "Uh, yeah... I was um, kinda nervous." My hands clasped tightly in front of me. She was fairly close to me now. I wanted to hug her. Kiss her. Anything. I prayed that she understood what I had been trying to convey during that song.

"It was really good." Her smile was so sweet and genuine. I hadn't seen one like that in a while. Usually it was fake for our friends at school. This one was real. It made me grin wider. The nerves were still just as prevalent, unfortunately.

"Thanks..." I muttered. A silence grew but our eyes remained locked together. I couldn't tear my gaze away. I don't remember how or who caused the movement but eventually we got closer together somehow. We were still much farther apart than I wanted us to be.

"Tor..." She didn't call me that much when it was just us two. Only when we were with our gang. Did that mean that I was making her happy again? I prayed that was the case, "...were you singing that song... about..." Her gaze had drifted but on the last word it locked with mine again shyly, "...me?"

I got even more nervous than before. Should I tell her? If I did there was no going back. Word would spread like wildfire if anybody overheard or saw something. I resisted the urge to bite my lower lip. The longer I left her in wait the more worried she was becoming, I could tell. The time we had spent together left me able to read her like a book most of the time. Except for when it came to how she felt about me - if my feelings were mutual.

"Um..." I had to respond before thinking. If I thought this through too much it would take too long, and I would lose all of my courage. I took the only chance that I had, "...yeah... yeah I-I was..."

She looked surprised. Happily surprised? I couldn't tell. Shocked? It was unclear. But her expression changed to that of cute confusion. It took all of my effort to keep myself rooted to the spot when I so wanted to capture her mouth with my own. But that might ruin everything between us. It might make things weird forever and I definitely didn't want that. If I couldn't have Cat as a girlfriend I would at least want to keep her as a best friend. I didn't want to mess anything up if that was an option but I also wanted to be sure about Cat's feelings. It seemed like there was no way to find that out without throwing mine out there. And I _definitely _didn't have the bravery to do that. Just telling her that I had been intentionally singing to _her _had been difficult enough to do. A confession so major regarding my affections seemed like a dream. Actually no, I wouldn't even say that in a dream.

"Is it because you wanted to make me feel better?" She asked slowly. Even though her expression showed confidence she didn't sound at all sure of herself. A wave of conflicting emotions and decisions slammed into me, making me almost groan in frustration.

What did I do now?! Tell her that I was trying to make her feel better? I guess that had been slightly on my mind while I sang it, like when I thought about her cutting. But the only reason her self-mutilation is especially taking a toll on my own emotions is because of my feelings for her. If I really wanted to I could lie and tell her that was all it was about. But then what if she did like me? She would get discouraged and move onto somebody else. That was the last thing in the world I wanted. I wanted Cat. And I didn't want to lose all of my chances just because I was worried about her not feeling the same. The only way that I would be able to tell her was by forcing images of her with somebody else into my head. Her with a guy. Her and a guy kissing in the halls right in front of my face. And then finally, jumping a bit to conclusions, Cat and a guy getting married. It took effort not to make my voice angry on the next words that literally jumped from my throat.

"Well, yes and no... you see, Cat I..." The previous spark of determination had faded immediately after I started to speak. Cowardice started to overtake me but I had already started and I couldn't stop now. She looked so childishly curious. But underneath that seemingly innocent shell was a broken, abused girl desperate for help that I was slightly providing. Yet she had cut recently and wouldn't give me any details as to why other than she had a nightmare. That was vague. I locked eyes with her again. She was standing on her tiptoes. She had gotten closer to me at some point. I had to say it. Now or never. There simply wouldn't be a better time to do this other than right here, right now. I shoved aside the urge to close my eyes tightly and instead spoke the next words in nearly a shout, "...Cat I like you!"

I felt like I was in a comic book or a cartoon. After I said that my hand immediately shot up to my mouth and clamped firmly over it, as if trying to shove the words back in. That couldn't happen. I had already said it. My cheeks turned a deep red color but at least hers did as well. She looked astonished, her brows raising in surprise. I had blown it. Our friendship would forever be awkward to some extent. She just stared at me while I debated inside of myself whether to deal with this or flee the country. The latter option seemed more desirable even though I would ache without seeing her. The first person I had ever really loved for sure. It was only when she took an entire footstep closer and our bodies were nearly pressed flush against one anothers that my opinions changed. Then my entire world turned upside down.

Cat leaned in and gently kissed my lips. Never in my life had I understood what the expression "sparks fly" meant. But as soon as our mouths made contact I felt like I would literally burst into flames at any second. If life was a rollercoaster it was rocking me back and forth so fast I wondered if I might puke. Even though it was vague I could have sworn I felt the silky fingertips of her glove brushing against the bottom of my chin in a sensual way. This could only mean one thing, obviously. She liked me too.

When she pulled away neither of us spoke another word. We just stared at each other, both equally in shock and equally red - our cheeks a brighter color than her hair. Our eyes drifted to the other's lips in unison before I was the first to move in again, grabbing her by the waist and closing the small space between us. I had waited far too long to do this and I was going to savor every moment. Even though she didn't say it I felt like she was thinking the same thing.

I wasn't sure how long we stayed there like that, and there is no sure way to tell. All I know is that after the first kiss I was head over heels and have been unable to pick myself back up since.


End file.
